Power and Control

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose.
That is not a weakness.
That is life.

Too Much Planning
You might find this funny, but I literally sat down and planned the rest of my life. I made a calendar that consisted of months within years within decades, and I wrote in it every important event I could think of, even the months I wanted to have children, which led to my scheduling some necessary preliminary events, which is by far the weirdest thing I have ever put on my calendar. I had it ALL planned out. I wanted to look back on my life at eighty years old and feel content with my life, to feel that I did everything I had set out to do at the right time, in the right order.

It took all of two weeks for my plans to get throroughly messed up. Delays put me in a mild panic. What would I be thinking when I hit eighty... Will I be happy? Will I be fulfilled? Will I have regrets? Then it occurred to me... LOOK AT ME NOW! What is the point of living for that moment before death if I spend my whole life worrying about it.

Too much planning was making me inflexible, and I was losing the moment, the "now." Instead of requiring that my life be just a certain way, my goal now is to live in the moment and for the moment. This has opened me up to new possibilities, to unexpected good things, and it has relieved me of a lot of pressure that I did not realize I was putting on myself. Anyway, the moment is all we ever have.

Locus of Control
Focus on controlling your response to an event rather than attempting to control an event itself. In controlling your response, you not only exert whatever power you do have over an event, you exert it more wisely. My self is my locus of control, the small part of the universe I have power over. By concentrating my efforts of change on myself rather than my environment, I feel more capable of changing what I can in the world and more willing to accept inevitable powerlessness.
Believe in Will Power
A discussion of addictions ensued on the Oprah Winfrey show with the guest, Gary Zukav, author of "The Seat of the Soul." When asked about the cause of addiction, Zukav related his insight, that addicts look outside themselves for power. In a sense, I think this translates into a lack of faith in one's own possession of will power. Will power is often dismissed as too weak to combat an addiction, especially given genetic predispositions. But, I think will power is grossly underestimated. How to exert it is a complicated matter, but acknowledging its existence is, I believe, the first step toward self-control.
Cherish Feedback
I am just now beginning to realize how much I need positive feedback. It is my fuel. Today, many wonderful people went out of their way to praise my efforts. I was elated, encouraged, empowered, full of enthusiasm, and deeply grateful that they expressed their thanks. Suddenly, my projects felt more meaningful, and I started work on them again right away. Now, before I begin work on a project, I will hold these words in my mind. I taped them to my wall. I cherish them.
Determination Equals Possibility
I recently found a source of faith in myself: determination. If I am determined, and that is something under my control, I can do almost anything, I can conquer my weaknesses, and I can grow into the person I want to be. Even failure cannot dissuade determination, because with determination failure is temporary.
The Power I Do Have
I focus on what I can do, not what I wish I could do. I focus on my sources of power, not the sources of power I wish you had or the sources of my helplessness. Sometimes it is just as satisfying to do anything at all as it is to do what I wish I could do.
A Little Goes a Long Way
I trust the power of small steps and small changes. Someone wrote that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
Numbers
I trust the power of one person and the power of the minority. With perseverance, either can make great changes.
My Goat
I try not to let other people get my goat. My power does not so much lie in controlling events as in how I respond to those events. When a fellow driver aims an obscene hand gesture my way, I have the power to ignore him. By ignoring him, I exercise my control over the situation. He may be able to make a gesture, but he cannot make me respond to it.
Cooperation
I try to approach each situation with a spirit of cooperation, not competition. The latter only sets me up for a power struggle, but cooperation gives me control.
Power Trips
Power trips are illusions. I take comfort in this. I try to remember that no one can ever truly control me by bullying me. They can frighten and manipulate me, but they cannot make me think or feel a certain way, unless I let them.
Fairness
I try to let go of the demand for fairness. Life is not fair, and no one is in charge of making it fair. By accepting this, I give myself power, the power to enter life without fear or resentment and to make the best of what I have.
Draw the Line
If I fail to make my boundaries clear, my boundaries are violated again and again, leaving me feeling helpless and powerless. However, when I draw a clear line, everyone feels better. I regain my sense of power and others gain relief and security in knowing where I stand.
Standing My Ground
If I sincerely believe something is wrong, I try not to let anyone persuade me otherwise. I do not allow anyone to make me tolerate something I sincerely believe should never be tolerated. Otherwise, I lose my defenses and my identity.
Flexibility
On the other hand, if someone truly changes my mind about something, I am not losing power by making that change. No one ever really wins or loses an argument when the changes are sincere. To be stubborn and rigid is dangerous. Flexibility gives me more control to adapt to the world.
Manipulation
I must be keenly aware of the methods others use to brainwash and manipulate me. If I am aware of it, I can dodge it. For example, people can use guilt, reverse psychology (like a dare), and passive-aggressive behavior to force me to do things for them I would not otherwise do.
Gratitude
I do not lose power by having gratitude or by being thankful. Gratitude does not require one to tolerate the intolerable. It is not an admission that everything is dandy. I can have gratitude while simultaneously believing some things are negative and need to be taken care of. Gratitude does not exclude the ability to complain constructively.
Complaining
Pessimism and random complaining do not lead to a lasting sense of power, even though they might give me temporary relief. Optimism does not exclude the ability to complain constructively.
Making the Best
I try to make use of misfortune. When I have to wait forever for an appointment, I can use the time to my advantage. When I get the dirty end of the stick, I can find a way to use it constructively. Hardship is an opportunity for growth, for building muscle. When I have to climb up a steep hill, I can think of the exercise I am getting. When I get a parking ticket, I can pay it not with resentment but with honor, with dedication to be a good person despite the unfairness of the ticket. They can make me pay the ticket, but they cannot make me a bad person.
Patience
True power is insidious. Once, stuck in a frustrating situation, I tried to combat an army of bureaucrats single-handedly. Everything was at stake, but nothing I did made a dent. I felt helpless. Then I saw the movie "Shawshank Redemption" where a prisoner escapes after carving out a tunnel with a rock hammer. It took him twenty years, and he did it a little piece at a time. A few days later, I was sitting in a waiting room trying to think of solutions. I picked up a magazine and opened it right up to a full page image of a rock hammer. A week later, I spoke to a friend about the ordeal. She said that sometimes, you just have to pick away at a problem little by little. I was not truly powerless, even though I felt that way. I just needed patience and persistence. I have found that the deepest wells of power manifest themselves this way.
Collect Support
It has helped me greatly to create a file of documents, such as articles and pamphlets, that fight against the issues that upset me. By commanding them in this way, I gain the upper hand. I include resources. For example, I put together a file on the negative effects of pornography. Studies and statistics helped to validate my hurt and anger. I also included articles on feminism and essays by anti-sexist men. They not only gave me hope, they gave me a feeling of support which empowered me.
Expressing Myself
I find power in finding my voice. Whether I paint, write, or engage in some other form of expression, I find a medium in which to express my thoughts and feelings. I share my stories and opinions with the world, and this has proven deeply empowering.
Mind Power
Physical power is not the ultimate form of power. This has been demonstrated again and again in the stories of triumph told by survivors of horrible crimes and abuse. Victor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning, describes how holocaust victims used the power of their mind to survive unscathed. Although they were physically defeated, they still had the power to choose their response.
Accept
It relieves me to accept things I cannot change, to accept consequences, and to accept fundamental facts about the world and existence. Acceptance is an expression of the power to walk away from a fight. If I have already done all that I can do, I can relax and choose to let it go, because I have that power.
Take A Break
Sometimes, I simply need to take a break. When I am frustrated by an impossible task, I set it aside for a moment. When I come back to it, I can approach it from a different angle, or I can approach it with greater patience, since I know what to expect. When I can't find something, I look for it later. Persistence is important, but it does not mean I have to do everything at once. Persist in steps. Persist in intervals. I just try to remember not to wear myself out.